11-12-2016

I’ve never really been any good at this whole writing thing, but I needed to figure out some way to let my emotions out. Over the last 3 months, I’ve felt more emotions than I have in my 22 years of living. We as humans, plan our lives how we want them to go, and when something happens that isn’t what we planned we don’t really know what to do or how to react. Well up until this year, I had been one of those people. This year has shown me, I am in no way in charge of my life. Now yes, I can make decisions that influence me one way or the other, but at the end of the day, when God says it’s time for someone to go, then it is His decision, whether I like it or not. Also, up until recently I had been kind of angry with my life because one of the most important goals in my life is to be a nurse and anyone who knows me, I’ve had plenty of push backs from this dream. James 4:3 says, “You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.” God had unanswered my prayers then, because of what was planned now. I didn’t know it during school, why I kept being pushed back, but looking back I’m so thankful for what has happened.

Pushing my dream back just a little has allowed me to spend my mom’s last days with her. Something I wouldn’t trade for the world. My relationship with my mom was something I know other daughters would long for. She is honestly the one person who I can say was my best friend for 22 years. The day she got diagnosed with stage four breast cancer was a day I can still vividly remember. I remember being heartbroken and thinking, “how am I ever going to get through this”, but thanks to my mom’s positive attitude, there were several days I had actually forgotten she even had cancer. She was one of those who just knew she would fight until they found her a cure, and to me, she won her battle. No one else I know could have fought her battle for 6 years like she did. No they didn’t find her a cure, but she is now in her forever Home and what is greater than that? This is the only thing that keeps me going everyday; knowing she is with our Father gives the peace I need to get up each day and fight back the heartache.

People ask how I am everyday and the answer is always, “I’m good”, but it’s more of just a recording rather than what I am actually feeling. I still can’t say out loud that my mom is gone, and I still can’t look at all of the Christmas decorations without an ache in my heart, and I still can’t look at our pictures together without tearing up. I still at times don’t think it’s real. I go to bed hoping when I wake up I was in a dream and I’ll wake up and she will be here with me again. I still cry every single day and dream about her just hugging me one more time. Reality has hit me harder than ever this year. Death hadn’t really been reality for me until now because I hadn’t really experienced it in my family. I am here to say, I wouldn’t wish this feeling among even my worst enemy.

People keep saying how proud they are of my strength, but I sure don’t feel strong. Yes, I put a smile on my face and still do my daily things, but no one can see on the inside I am crying throughout the day. Hearing my mom inside is what keeps me strong. I know if my mom was here she would have something cheerful to say that could make everyone happy. I’ll never forget while I was taking care of her, any little thing people did for her truly made her so happy and she would tell me how blessed she is even though she was the one who couldn’t walk and could barley feed herself at the time. I cherish those little things with her and those are the things that I thank God for giving me that opportunity with her. I thank God for giving me such a selfless mother to be my role model. Most people who go through struggles like this would probably be mad at God or question His existence, but I am here to say without Him by my side, there is definitely no way I could get up each day and paint a smile on my face like I do. Yes, I am heartbroken that my mom isn’t here on Earth with me, but I am also so thankful that I know with all my heart she is with the Lord and I have the greatest guardian angel I could have asked for.

These holidays are going to be hard for me and my family, but I also know there are many more families with struggles too. Cherish the family and friends you do have these holidays because you never know when it could be your last with them. Say thank you to your loved ones for all they have done. Isiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

I love you forever and always mom.